Mother

Where do I begin? I have to be very careful when writing this, I don't want to cause anyone hard feelings.

My feelings are something only my husband, God, and co-workers really know. But now you all will know.

I don't really understand why I am in this situation. Maybe I am reaping what I have sown. I thought I already did that with my daughter. But, I wish I could write a book about my experience with my mom, but instead I'll cut it short and make it a blog.

My mother is one unique individual. There is none quite like her. She will tell you herself. She is different as she would say. I do love her, don't get me wrong. I love her because she is my mother, for one, and I wouldn't exist without her help in creating me and raising me, never abandoning me. I also love her because I know God loves her and he created her for a purpose and he has never abandoned her. But, the question is, why does she daily have to live in pure misery? Well, the answer might be obvious, but why can't she see the answer? 81 years on this earth and she still has not understood her maker and her purpose on this earth. If she only would complain to the physician over all physicans maybe she could get some answers and results that can help and heal her. All the complaining in the world is not going to solve any of her problems, it only makes her condition worse. I am so very grateful that I know this higher power, if I didn't, I would be in a very bad way. I could almost bet you I would be an alcoholic if not worse. I do think she is trying so hard and has for years to do the best she can do for her diabetes and other health problems. But, I think she tries too hard sometimes and thinks she can control everything and knows all the solutions. There comes a point in everyones life where we will eventually not be able to control something in our life. My mom is at that point right now and it is driving her absolutely crazy. I don't know if she will be right in predicting the time of her departure. But if she is right, it will be soon. If a person can die from going crazy, that will be one of her causes. I only want the best for her and always have, just like my own daughter. But just like my daughter, my mom is very strong willed and set against any advice that is given to her. There could be a solution to every problem she has, but if it is not her own ideas and something she wants to do, then she would rather live in misery. It will be interesting to see how this all turns out in the end. Maybe I will be surprised to learn there will be a happy ending. If that does happen, I will know a miracle has taken place and God will get all the glory. All I can do is fully trust God to direct me in what to do, and say or not say. It takes alot of patience and daily asking for his help. The more I try to do it on my own, the more I experience frustration and misery. I know in my heart that this too will pass and someday I will look back and miss my mom in some way. I just wish she could enjoy the remaining time here without worrying so much.

I think I am learning the value of living life each day striving for peace and not living in a complaining mode, giving all my worries and complaints to God. I hope to become a mom who will listen to my kids without telling them how to live their life, to let them go and not be their God. I want to be quick to listen and slow to speak. I do think it's important to be not concerned with just my own doings, but be concerned about others, as long as I don't become obsessed and controlling. I especially hope that I will learn when I am older to take my childrens advice if I am alone and need help. I also hope my kids will be there for me if I need them.